Things Eragon would never say
by alyssialui
Summary: this is the next big thing. gotta cash in on it now. they will b short. all ideas are welcome. i hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Eragon**: Of course I'll tell you were my dragon is! Durza my buddy!

**Eragon**: Arya, you're the ugliest looking elf I've ever seen!

**Eragon**: Saphira, the Twins and I are heading to the movies later on...

**Eragon:** I'm off to tell the Raz'acc all about Saphira and show them where her egg landed!

**Eragon**: Can we go surfing it Tierm?

**Eragon**: Yeah, but it takes the attention away from your face.

rip-off of Potter Puppet Pals  
**Eragon:** about Durza I liked the part where he stopped moving!

Master of Disguise rip off  
**Eragon** (dressed in a Urgal suit in front of Ura'baen): Am I not Ur--gally enough for the Urrrrrgal club?**

* * *

Galbatorix: I'm such a loser.**

**Galbatorix**: Eragon, I am your Father!

**Galbatorix**: I do not exist. I am a figment of imagination.

**Galbatorix**: Would any one like to hear my speech on world peace?

* * *

**Arya**: belch

**Arya**: I have to go, I have a date with Galbatorix.

**Arya**: Catch you on the flip flop foo.

**Arya**: Why didn't the dragon hatch for me!? That's the only reason I volunteered to protect it.

**Arya:** I am no man!

* * *

**Ajihad**: Eragon, I _am_ your father.

**Ajihad**: Galbatorix, want to come over for dinner?

**Ajihad**: I'll be home late honey, I'm going to the Urgals' place to have some tea!

**Ajihad**: Yes the Twins can be a pain. Between their mind probing and constant singing of Modonna's _Like a Virgin_ it's a wonder the dwarves haven't strangled them yet! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Murtagh**: Hi Mr. Twins, please probe my mind!

**Murtagh**: Does this dress make me look fat?

**Murtagh**: I'm going to give myself over to the slave traders.

**Murtagh**: I like Bunnies!

**Murtagh**: Whoops! sorry Eragon! I can't save you now because I have to watch Spongebob!**  
**

* * *

**Twins**: Good job Eragon, you passed our test!

**Twins**: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee're off to see the wizard, the magical wizard of oz...

**Twins**: Eragon - We worship you!  
**

* * *

Angela**: I am _so_ glad I kissed that toad!

**Angela**: Twins... do you want to get married?

**Angela**: The bones say... that... You are going to be worth a lot of money...

**Angela**: I wonder how much I would make if I sold Eragon's fortune to Galbatorix?

* * *

**Sloan**: Eragon, I have decided to adopt you.

**Sloan**: Where is the love?

**Sloan**: I _hate_ meat!

**Sloan**: Oh, dear sweet cactus, you are my only friend now.  
**

* * *

Brom**: I am really just Gandalf in disguise.

**Brom**: At last! I'm finally leaving all of you wackos to go to a better place!

**Brom**: May your swords- ah forget it...

**Brom**: The Urgals killed everyone in Yazuac! Go Urgals! Go Urgals! Go Urgals!

**Brom**: I'm not really dead, we had budget cuts. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Hrothgar**: Dragons rock my toe socks!

**Hrothgar**: Iiiiii want candy!

* * *

**Saphira**: Solembum and I are getting a divorce!

**Saphira**: Please keep your hands, arms, and legs inside the ride while the ride is moving, thank you.

**Saphira**: Hey Eragon, does this armor make my butt look big?

**Saphira**: I have a sister who lives in a lake called Loch Ness!

**Saphira**: Hello, I'm Saphira and I'll be your dragon for this afternoon. For those of you with Frequent Flyer cards you will be earning 100 points with this journey.**

* * *

Roran: I finally dumped Katrina!**

**Roran**: looking at mirror I'm beautiful.

* * *

**Nasuada**: You wanna piece of me, Arya? Do ya? Do ya?

* * *

**Ra'zac**: We get around so fast by using our frequent flyer miles.

**Ra'zac**: Do you want a bite of my chicken? I've got more.

* * *

**Solembum:** Aah, this is gonna by **great**! We can stay up late, swappin' **manly **stories, and in the morning - I'm makin' **waffles!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Eragon**: Ya know, it feels like we've been sitting here for over a year.  
**Ajihad**: Yeah, we should probably do something.  
**Hrothgar**: Why do something when you could... not do something? We dwarves are good at that.  
**Arya**: I'm bored and my makeup is running.  
**Murtagh**: I really have to go to the bathroom  
**Saphira**: My armor is starting to rust.  
**Durza**: I'm not dead!  
**Ajihad**: Yes you are! Eragon killed you!  
**Durza**: No he didn't! He just hurt me very badly! I think I'll be alright.. but oh dear.. my army lost. Well that's not good. No, not very good at all. I'll just be leaving then. Toodles!  
**Arya**: what should we do?  
**Eragon**: I think we should regroup, then send a spy to Galbatorix's lair to steal an egg.  
**Ajihad**: Any volunteers?  
**Saphira**: I nominate Solembum. He's small and smart and potentially a really cool kitty.  
**Hrothgar**: I second that motion  
**Solembum**: Do I get a vote in this?  
**Murtagh**: I still have to pee.  
**Ajihad**: Durza, you're still here aren't you?  
**Durza**: No! Durza is definitely not here! I am a ghost of Durza!! Woooooo! WOooOoo!  
**Ajihad**: You're not fooling anyone.  
**Durza**: Fine. You guys are no fun anyway. Hi Ho Silver! Away!!!! Oh no, i don't own a horse either. I'll just walk.  
**Arya**: Gross! Murtagh just wet himself!  
**Eragon**: Murtagh, that's disgusting.  
**Murtagh**: Murtagh need changey.  
**Ajihad**: So it's set then. Solembum goes and finds that dragon egg.  
**Everyone**: Aye!  
**Solembum**: Fiddlesticks.  
**Solembum **(Inside Galbatorix's lair): Dum Dum... Duh dum... Dum dum, dum dum dum, duuuuuuuuh  
**Galbatorix**: Here kitty! Here kitty! Ooh you're a pretty kitty aren't you? Yes you are! yes you are!  
**Solembum**: Nauseating

**Solembum**: I'm back!!! And i got an egg!!!(pulls out the egg)  
**Ajihad**: Uhh, Solembum? How did you get this egg?  
**Solembum**: Well ya know, i sat in a few laps, rubbed a few legs, killed a few rats, then it was all downhill from there. See in the middle of the night, i snuck downstairs, I pretended to be getting a glass of water, and then when no one was looking, I grabbed the egg! Huh? Huuuuh? Aren't I great?  
**Eragon**: Solembum? Did you get this from Galbatorix's refrigerator?  
**Solembum**: Ya-huh! And it's a good thing i got it when i did! Galbatorix said he was gonna poach it the next morning! Talk about a close call eh?  
**Everyone**: UGHHHH!  
**Murtagh**: I'm all wet!  
**Arya**: Have you been sitting there this whole time in your own waste.  
**Murtagh**: I think so.  
**Ajihad**: Well, since Solembum screwed up majorly, I guess all there is to do is wait for CP to finish the next book:  
**Eragon**: Sounds like a plan.  
**Arya**: Whatever.  
**Murtagh**: Poopy!  
**Ajihad**: However, since CP won't be done with the next book until God-knows-when, i guess we'll just sit here until he finishes  
**CP**: I'll be done with the book before the next decade all right?  
**Arya**: No Murtagh! I will not change your diaper!!!


	5. AN and sorry to all

like ive tried to answer to a lot of people, i know i used the shurtugal stuff. Im sorry for that and not putting a disclaimer in the beginning explaining it. also im sorry for plazerizing(sp?) their stuff. i just wanted to post something up while i thought of some of my own. I have a few of my own now and will soon post them. after i do, ill delete the first 3. but for now, ill just leave thm up so i dont have to delete the story completely. Again im sorry and really wish some people would stop sending me reviews and pms telling me what i already know. Also, why does everyone have a problem with spelling and grammar?? If someone can simply answer this, then you get a virtual cookie!!! YAY!!! 


	6. My own

A/N: Like i said in the previous A/N, im sorry for using the shurtugal ones. I, like many others, did not actually read the Guidelines. Also, its not like I personally gained anything with this, so I did not see the problem. After that being pointed out to me by several **annoying** readers, i have gotten a few of my own and will post them now.

Some also asked to see the first disclaimer which is:

**_Disclaimer: I wish i owned Eragon. If i did, i would have already told you people the thrid books title and cover illustration. To hell with Paolini. Oh well, read and enjoy._**

The new one is:

**_Disclaimer: It has come to my attention i did something bad. im sorry. how many times have i asid that!?!? I dont own anything but a copy of each book thats out. Waiting just like the rest of you for the last installment. The previous ones were written and are posted on If you want go there now, but befoer you do, read my awful attempts at making comedy (Im actually really good though, just not with one liners)._**

**_

* * *

_**

Someone: Is that my car?

* * *

Eragon: I can't fly with Saphira, I have a fear of heights.

* * *

Arya or any Elf: I hate nature.

* * *

Eragon: I have pointy ears to make a fashion statement.

* * *

Eragon/Murtagh (watching Roran kill the twins): Remind me to never tick him off.

* * *

Saphira: I want to be a vegetarian.

* * *

Glaedr: I like penguins. They amuse me.

* * *

Anyone: Hasn't anyone told the Ra'zac that their sense of fashion is awful?

Anyone else: Alright... you do that. Ill be right here behind this rock

* * *

Galbatorix: I only want everyone to be happy. Is that so wrong??

* * *

Murtagh/Eragon: My father was a good man.I remember when he use to take me into town to watch the harvest parade

* * *

Murtagh/Eragon: Daddy wasnt there, to take me to the fair, to change my underwear... Daddy wasnt there

* * *

Brom: I hate dragons.

* * *

Saphira: I want to mate with Shruikan.

* * *

Sloane: I want Katrina to marry Eragon.Hes such a trustworthy man. Plus he knows how to kill. Hell keep her safe

* * *

Saphira: Glaedr i love you

Glaedr: WTF??

Saphira: I have ever since i first laid my giant shield-like eyes on you

Glaedr: Uhh...I...

Saphira: Make love to me. Fuck me like a rag doll

Glaedr: Uhh... I dont know how to tell you this... but I was neutered

Saphira: blinkblink WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

Any Rider: I wish I had never met my dragon.

* * *

Sloan: I think I will move to the Spine. It's so lovely this time of year.

* * *

Sloan: I have decided that meat is disgusting.

**_

* * *

_**

A/N#2: One more thing, for those who know who im talking about, do i really have to get rid of the first ones. Ill be happy to if you still have a problem. Its just, I rather keep them there and ill post the first disclaimer there. but if you still find a problem, ill right over this whole story. I just want some clarification. 

Anyways, bye to all. Love ya.


	7. Chapter 7

Murtagh: What about me??  
Eragon: You can stay here and watch the horses  
Murtagh: Is that all im gud for?? Fine get lost  
-Eragon is gone for 2 hours-  
Murtagh: Who does he think he is?? Its times like this, I wish I was back in the castle. Hey girl  
Horse: -neigh-  
Murtagh: I wonder  
-hot horse sex-  
Eragon: Murtagh??  
-pushed pass bush and into clearing and catches Murtagh in the act-  
Murtagh: uhhh... I can explain

* * *

King Galbatorix: The Jews are the cause of all the wars in the world!!

* * *

Eragon: Arya? Would you like to come with me and have sexytime?

* * *

Arya: burning down forest Suck it mother nature...

* * *

Durza: looking in mirror now i regret all that smoking i did...

* * *

Saphira: does this armor make me look fat?

* * *

Eragon: I'm not a gay Prince William wannabe with effeminate hair!

* * *

Eragon: Saphira, if you were a human would you have sex with me?

Saphira: Not on your life. I want Murtagh

Eragon: Arya??

Arya: Oh Murtagh… wait up

Eragon: Argh1!! What does Murtagh have that I don't got??

Murtagh: -strips off clothes and pants drop down-

Eragon: Oh.. that… Hey, hold on guys… 


	8. Chapter 8

Arya: Eragon take off your shirt  
Eragon: Why  
Arya: Cause it'll make you more intune with nature  
E: Ok...  
A: oh and take off your pants too.  
E:um...

* * *

Brom: Simba, you're supposed to be dead!

* * *

Arya: Fo shizzle

* * *

Murtagh: I put the "r" in stupid.

* * *

Saphira: OJ didn't do it

* * *

Murtagh: Justin should have won American Idol

* * *

Galbatorix: Everyone wants to be John Malkovich...err, Galbatorix.

* * *

Aijhad: Take off your shirt..  
Murtagh: Hey, can't you atleast buy me dinner first?

* * *

Eragon: hey saphira im thirsty can you make me a drink  
Saphira:shure ill be right back  
Eragon: hey these look like the flavord iceicles my uncle used to make but they smell different what is in it?  
Saphira: Its a suprise (giggles)

* * *

Eragon: Let's have some fun Saphira!  
Saphira: Doing what, little one?  
Eragon: Doing it!  
Saphira: Eragon, what was the real reason we came to this lake?  
Eragon: To do it!  
Saphira: Eragon, we can't "do it".  
Eragon: But I thought we came here to do it.  
Saphira: Doing what, Eragon?!  
Eragon: Well, what you usually do at lakes: fishing, swimming, ect., or did you have something else in mind?  
Saphira:...

* * *

Eragon: Ok Arya, let's keep this plain and simple. Instead of going into all that lovey-dovey crap I'm supposed to say, I'll just say three words: Let's get hitched!!

* * *

Eragon to Arya: Um Arya I dont really know how to tell you this but I'm uh coughs I'm pregnant

* * *

Brom: there's now I in team  
Eragon (says smartly): But theres a me 


	9. Chapter 9

Brom: Bite me.

* * *

Murtagh: PAOLINI YOU FAG, GIVE ME BACK MY HAIRGEL. You been having it for hours now!  
Paolini: Hairgel?! I thought it was.. ohh... oopsi...

* * *

Garrett Hedlund: Dammit, fangirls! Flee, they got cages

* * *

**Oromis:** May the force be with you.

* * *

**Eragon:**Hey, this isn't Harry Potter!

* * *

**Arya:** Ewww, I have Urgal blood in my hair.  
**Galbatorix:** Oh, you can get that out easily with Garnier Fructis Fortifying Shampoo and Conditioner, darling!

* * *

**Durza:** Damn you, Eragon. One day I will get my revenge.  
**Eragon:** _You can't touch this! do-do-dodo ...

* * *

_

**Brom:** Eragon, I am your father.  
**Eragon:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

Arya: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends...

* * *

Nasuada: When I was younger I used to have a crush on King Orrin. Since then, Id always think of him... until I met Murtagh. Man, hes one fine hunk of man candy

* * *

**Eragon:** Does my hair look too hayish when it's blond like this? I think I should dye it darker, what do you think Arya?  
**Arya:** Now you're being even more of a girl than usual, Eragon.

* * *

Eragon: I blame my ignorance on Wikipedia.

* * *

**Eragon:** Yo, Ayra let's get down with the hood...  
**Arya:**What the beep  
**Eragon:** Do you not like rap, babe? You know.._Slap that,give me some more..._ etc.  
**Arya:** Sorry, Eragon. I'm a My Chemical Romance girl. _Long live the Black Parade!_  
**Eragon:** Oh laa...An Emo elf...You've just become twice the turn on.  
**Arya:** Say that again, farmboy, and you will be slapped.  
**Eragon:** Well, then...An Emo elf...  
_Arya takes out her pepper spray_  
**Eragon:**Not my eyes. They are my only best feature! ARGGHHH! IT BURNS! 


	10. Chapter 10

**Brom:** YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!! What do you mean they've already cast LOTR?  
They won what? 11 Oscars? Without me? St.

* * *

**Galbatorix:** Congratulations, Murtagh. You have your own dragon.  
**Murtagh:** But I wanted a My Little Pony!

* * *

_Saphira and Solembum sit down off set._  
**Saphira:** So got any jobs lined up after this?  
**Solembum:** I'm,um, doing an advert for Whiskas, you know..  
**Saphira:** Sweet.

* * *

Trianna: I feel so inept without you Eragon. Take me now  
Eragon: Im sorry, Im already with Murtagh. Everyone wants him. Im so happy he chose me  
Murtagh: I only chose you because Arya already had a husband  
Eragon: At least I know im second best  
Murtagh: More like 24th. After everyone who wanted checked it out, they were already taken. It was comprised of fangurls with boyfriends and married women. My people kept back all the lonely fangurls so ive never seen them before. If had, you wudnt evn be on the list  
Eragon: Just crush my heart, why dont you  
-runs away crying-  
Trianna: how about me Murtagh??  
Murtagh: uhh... ok

* * *

Eragon: But I wanna be the star of this movie Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
Murtagh: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, my sexy smoldering 6 minutes of screentime have stolen the show. points at Eragon now grovel blondie.

* * *

**Durza:** Okay who took my wrinkle cream?

* * *

_Arya comes running over to Eragon in a blind panic._  
**Arya:** Help me! Oh God help me!  
**Eragon:** What? What is it?  
**Arya:** I've lost my elf ears. They've gone.  
**Eragon:** Jesus, Mary and Joseph on a pink bicycle...so they have...  
**Arya:** How? Dear God, how?  
**Eragon:** Budget cuts probably.  
_Arya falls in a dead faint_

* * *

**Saphira: **Oh Glaedr, I love you!  
**Glaedr:** Sorry I don't feel anything for you.  
**Saphira:** But Glaedr what shall I do? Where shall I go?  
**Glaedr:** Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

* * *

Eragon come on Saphira I need to go save the damsel in distress so you better start flying before I start whipping you.


End file.
